Self Doubt and Destiny
by Anne T.M
Summary: Whe the ship encounters an alien life form intent on mating with the ship the Captain and Commander reveal teir thouhts in their personal logs.


Personal Log: Captain Janeway

Disclaimer: Paramount owns every character but the ideas and thoughts are mine.

This story is a companion piece to Elogium. That is the episode where Kes believes she must have a baby and ensign Wildman informs the captain that she is pregnant.

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Destiny and Self Doubt

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Captain's Personal Log: Stardate:48920.1

It was strange to see the Commander so flustered. He is usually steady as a rock. When he told me the reason I couldn't help but laugh. He saw two people kissing in the turbo lift. Did he want them court marshaled for conduct unbecoming an officer? It was as if we had switched roles. Usually I am the one spouting protocol and he is the one seeing the human side in everything. It might be necessary for me to make a point about discretion but I will have to be careful about what I say and the timing of it. Starfleet has never made specific policy on personal relationships(with the exception of captains) and I don't want to single out the officers that the Commander spotted kissing today.

Kissing! Even kissing is now a big issue. As I sit here and try to remember my last night on Earth I don't remember if I kissed Mark good-bye. I am sure I did but I don't remember it. If I had known we would be stuck so far from home I would have burned the memory into my brain but with each passing day the memories of my private life fade.

The Commander did make a good point. I have never thought about the problems that intimate relations on a ship in deep space may incur. There will be no transfers here. People will just have to learn to deal with the problems. We are such a long way from home I know the crew is lonely. Who isn't? I believe I was right when I said that people would probably start pairing off. Well if they do they better be mature enough to deal with the fall out of any relationship that does not work. We all have no other choice. Of course I have a choice and I made that absolutely clear to the Commander. "As captain that is a luxury I don't have. Besides I intend to be home before Mark gives me up for dead." I keep bringing Mark up to him lately. Why? At first I was reticent to even tell him about the relationship I have but now I seem to mention Mark at every opportunity when talking with Chakotay. I'm sure there is some deep physiological reason but frankly I am too tired to think about it.

And why did he ask **me** about pairing off anyway? Just another mystery surrounding my first officer.

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Computer End Log

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Commander's Personal Log: Stardate 48920.3

What was I thinking? How could two people kissing make me sound so ridiculous? When did I become Mr. Starfleet Protocol? The Captain must have thought I was crazy. Then I compounded it. "Including you?" How could I ask that? I hear the whole conversation in my mind and I want to cringe. "We're a long way from home. Everyone is lonely. All we have is each other. I think eventually everyone will begin to pair off." "Including you?" What did I think she was going to say? As usual she fended off the question and brought up Mark's name. Is it possible to be jealous of someone I never met? When I read this over it sounds like the rantings of an adolescent! How does this woman get to me so? I have known her a little more than a year yet I feel our destinies are related. Spirits help me. It is going to be a long trip home!

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Computer End Log

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Captain's Personal Log: Stardate:48920.6

It must be my day for hormonal discussion. I have just met with Kes and she informs me rather emphatically that she is going through what I thought was Ocampan puberty. Though my idea was right the consequences are far different. Kes is three years early for this development and it only happens once in a lifetime! That means if Kes is ever going to have a baby she must decide now. Once the process starts she has 50 hours to begin mating. Perhaps Commander Chakotay's worries were merited. I believe that her body cycle has been effected by the area of space and the creatures that we found dwelling here. Despite the reason she still has a decision to make. I do not envy her. I told her the decision was hers. If she wanted to have a baby then her child would be welcome on Voyager.

It's very strange but I felt very maternal when I spoke with her. She ran into my arms and I held her while she cried. I don't know if was Kes or this morning's discussion with Chakotay but I have been thinking about motherhood. My life has always been on the career path. I have never been one to think about my future as a mother but today something stirred in me that woke up that idea. It's funny that Mark and I never spoke about it. How could we be engaged and never once have discussed having children. Maybe he believed I was past that age. I am thirty…something, a little past the primary child bearing years. Yet today I find myself day dreaming of nothing else. 

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I am sitting in the rocking chair on my mother's porch in Indiana holding my baby. She walks out and looks down and rubs her finger across his tiny cheek. He is lucky. He doesn't have my pale Irish skin. As grandma sings to him he opens his beautiful brown eyes. He is the most magnificent baby. Mom looks at me and says, "You did good Katie!" I can tell she is prouder of this baby than anything I have ever accomplished in Starfleet. 

Are you trying to tell me something mother?

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Computer End Log.

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Commander's Personal Log: Stardate:48920.6

The Captain informed me tonight that my words were prophetic. It seems Kes has only one opportunity to become a mother. Due to the effect of the energy surrounding the ship her opportunity is now. I wonder how Neelix is taking it. If he doesn't like the idea I am sure Mr. Paris would love to fill his shoes. 

Kes's situation led to a discussion of the possible need to make accommodations for children on the ship. The Captain felt that it was not a good place to raise children. We don't have any of the things children need. We also have only a limited supply of resources so transforming the ship may also be impossible. It was difficult to look at the Captain when I suggested we might need to do just that because we might need replacement crew. I know she took it to mean that I didn't think we would get home. She tried to hide it but there were tears in her eyes. I don't know if it was what I said or the fact that I said it that made her feel that way. She should know how much faith I have in her. It hurt to know that my words caused her pain. I need to make her know that I believe in her but I also believe in preparing for other possibilities. 

Thinking about Kes and Neelix makes me realize that I'm glad it's him and not me. Choosing to become a father is a lot different than having fatherhood thrust upon you. I remember what it felt like to be responsible for the children of the village. I was like a big brother to them. I held the infants, taught the young ones and played with the older ones. It was a great responsibility and though I resented it at times I did enjoy it. I always thought I would have a big family one-day. It is interesting how life twists and turns. The path we imagine is always straight without interference. Life is nothing like that. It is times like this that it is difficult to remember that the spirits lead us on the path to our destiny. I don't know if a child is in their destiny but I am sure that I will have at least one child. On the last night before we were captured in the Badlands I saw my son while I was on a vision quest.

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The forest is beautiful. It struck me that the place that I hated so much as young man now brought me the only peace that I could find. I need you to help me spirit guide. It has been a long time the wolf replies. "Why are you here?"

"I am weary. The fighting continues yet my soul suffers. There is no joy in this. There is only restlessness and pain. I am thinking of leaving the Maquis."

"Where will you go?"

"I don't know. That is why I am here. I feel lost."

"Follow me."

Now we are running through the forest. It is hot and sticky. We keep running. "Where are we going? It is too hot. This is ridiculous."

"Always the contrary one, Chakotay. Have faith." 

Suddenly I feel a cool breeze and I can see that we are no longer in the forest. I hear the water crashing on the rocks and I realize where I am. I am on a beach. My guide nudges me and I look up and see a woman approaching me with something in her arms. When she gets to me she hands me her bundle and I am startled to see that it is a baby. I move the blanket from his face. He is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen and my heart immediately swells with love. His skin is bronze like mine, as are his eyes. I look up to see the face of the woman who has brought me my son but the sunshine it too strong. I cannot see her clearly.

I have not thought of that vision since that night. My life took a serious change in direction the following day. It is often difficult to be patient. I know the spirits will lead me. I just need to wait. Now I need to concentrate on suggesting possible changes that would be needed on this ship if we were to have children aboard. It would be kind of fun. I could be an "uncle" again!

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Computer: End Log

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Captain's Personal Log: Stardate:48920.9

I would have to believe that this is the first time in my life that acting like a submissive female was an acceptable option. In dealing with the creature Commander Chakotay believed that it perceived us a rival for the affections of the smaller creature. A sexual rival if you will. He suggested we act similar to the smaller creatures. " If we are right that the creature is responding to us as a sexual rival perhaps we might try behaving in a submissive way. That may appease him. We'd be acknowledging that he is dominant and that we are no match for him." Despite the absurdity of the idea it worked. We rolled over and changed color and suddenly no one had any interest in us or to quote Tuvok "we lost our sex appeal." Everyone on the bridge had a good laugh. Then I stunned everyone when I spoke without thinking. I told the Commander that the next time I had any questions about mating behavior I would know where to go. He didn't turn around for a moment. I am sure he was shocked but then he looked at me and very slowly gave me that brilliant smile. It must be the emotion of the day but for one instant my heart skipped a beat. I stared and him and my mind wandered to my earlier daydream. All I could see was the face of my baby smiling up at his grandma. Quickly I regained my composure. I am sure no one noticed because they were all still digesting my comment. I am certain that Mr. Paris will have a field day with my comment. He doesn't know me well enough yet to know that I don't mind shaking things up a bit. The question is though how did Chakotay interrupt the comment. Or more pointedly how do I want him to interrupt the comment. Despite the fact that I have no interest in him something in me cannot help but egg him on. Some how it is extremely satisfying to flirt with him. We both relish seeing who can push each other to the point of retreat. I think today I definitely won.

He did have me thinking though when he was talking about being submissive. It made me wonder what type of female he would be attracted to. I can't believe that he would enjoy someone who bowed down to his every wish. He wouldn't want someone who acknowledges that he is dominant and she is no match for him. There is too much fire in him to love "yes dear", "no dear." He loves to argue too much for that kind of woman to appeal to him. When we fight it is extremely intense. The emotions flowing in both directions during our arguments are sometimes more intense than the emotions of other loving relationships that I have had. No, he would not want a docile female. He needs someone who is strong and determined. Someone, who will stand up to him and challenge him. I am convinced he was only talking about the creature, not himself. For some reason I feel better. 

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Computer End Log

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Commander's Personal Log: Stardate: 48921.0

Another crisis in Delta Quadrant avoided. Only 70 thousand light years from home could a creature of some sort be sexually attracted to our ship! I was almost afraid to suggest my idea. Suggesting that we act like a submissive female was not something I thought she would take kindly too. I thought she might just out right laugh. But it worked and we are safe.

After the few conversations we have had today I must admit my mind has been going of the most unusual places. The irony of the creatures attaching themselves to the ship in a simulation of mating is almost too much. Voyager is having sex while most of the crew isn't. Witnessing the crewman kissing today has had a greater affect on me than I first thought. As long as I didn't see any thing it was easy to believe that everyone was happy. The loneliness was not evident. It allowed me hide my own feelings even from myself. I know there are probably opportunities for physical comfort in the arms of someone on the ship but being Commander puts me in a difficult position. I really cannot initiate anything with someone of lower rank. Who am I kidding there is no one of lower rank that interests me. The thought of having sex with someone isn't as appealing as having dinner and a conversation with the captain. I don't know is I am getting older or simply wiser. There is such a fulfillment in the friendship we have begun to build. It is as if she were my substitute wife without the sex. I wonder what it would be like if that changed? Could we move to a deeper level without damaging our friendship? Even if I could answer yes I don't think she would. Her commitment to the crew and getting them home takes precedent over everything else in her life. Then again she did say she would know where to go if she needed any further information on mating behavior. Maybe I am not the only one wondering about things tonight.

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Computer End Log 

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Captain's Personal Log: Stardate:48921.3

Kes will not be having a baby after all. Once we left the area her symptoms diminished and she returned back to her natural state. The doctor believes that she will go through it again when the proper time comes. I know Kes is happy but I think Neelix is a little disappointed. Once he accepted the idea of fatherhood he was looking forward to it.

On the tail of that news Ensign Wildman came to see me. She needed to inform me of her physical condition. It seems she is pregnant. I don't know what kind of reaction she expected but I felt like she was justifying her need to keep the baby. She was rather pleased when I congratulated her. Even I know that there are some things on this star ship that I cannot control. As Commander Chakotay would say even though we don't know where the spirits will lead us sometimes you have to just enjoy the journey. I believe this child will give us all hope and make our journey more enjoyable.

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Computer End Log

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